I’ve always had a fear of abandonment and I used to think it was because my parents worked a lot and I did not want to be alone in my house. Later I started to realize that it was most likely from my adoption, which is weird to me because I would like to think that I have no issues towards my adoption.
It used to start out with little things my parents telling me stories of how I would never want to be left alone for nap time to where I learned how to crawl out of my crib so I could be with other people. When I got older and my parents got divorced, every time I had to go to my dad’s house I would cry, scream and kick because I didn’t want to leave my mom. She eventually had to stop telling me when I was going to his house and my dad would pick me up from after-school care.
A fear of abandonment is normal in children so usually hearing those stories don’t ring alarms, but it wasn’t until middle school that I realized maybe this wasn’t normal because I was still terrified of being alone in my house.
I have just recently joined Facebook groups for adoptees and realizing that I am not alone with my thoughts, feelings, and fears. When joining the group, I saw some posts talking about abandonment. Some people were talking about how they thought as they got older or fell in love that the fear would go away but some part of them just couldn’t.
This is more ways than one is what scares me, knowing that my adoption could affect me throughout my life in ways I didn’t even think of. It could affect my future relationship and even how I go about doing certain things in life. I never wanted my adoption to shape my life as much as it has.
While writing this I have started to realize that in order to avoid later in life problems I need to sit down and face my fears from adoption. I must be open to everything.
“They say that abandonment is a wound that never heals. I say only that an abandoned child never forgets.”- Mario Balotelli