Out of the Dark

Hello,

This is a reintroduction of me, my name is Thea Elaine Robinson. I am adopted but I also have depression and anxiety, until recently I couldn’t admit it to myself let alone put it on my blog. For the past several weeks it has been hard for me to keep up with this blog just because of several events going on that had triggered a lot of emotion (it is easier to have a list so here we go):

  1. My grandmother on my dad’s side lost her battle to Alzheimer’s.
  2. The anniversary of a father figure’s death came and went.
  3. I graduated college.
  4. Moving back home and realizing that I am not doing everything I wanted to.

Let’s break this list down a little further.

1. My grandmother dying was hard to process and I am still very much processing. I am not sure how to feel, people kept asking me if I was okay and of course my first response was ” yes! why wouldn’t I be?” Alzheimer’s had taken my grandmother away from me in middle school, for years I watched her deterioration and I knew she was gone by the time I went to college. When reflecting back on my time with her, other people had more to say about my relationship with her rather then me having something for myself. I felt robbed with time, I had never felt like I didn’t experience something, this was the first time I truly felt my age and how young it was. I was prepared from day one (of college) to get a call saying she had passed, I was very close to the finish when that actually happened. I was hoping that her death wouldn’t take over my graduation, which I know sounds terribly selfish but if you know her you would know she was a big champion for education and I know she was upset that I had to miss some of my finals. I was also upset by the fact that she was so close to seeing me as a college graduate a dream of hers that she had ever since I was a baby. My Grammy was born to be a grandmother from signing me up for every activity under the sun to babysitting without hesitation. From her pictures and her house, she was the southern hostess some TV personalities could only dream of being.  Her death meant the end of a lot which is hard to process and move on from.

2. I have played soccer since I was five but I have been around the sport since I was just months old. I have had every coach and trainer imaginable, but for my last travel team, we had one trainer who was the meanest person and didn’t care about feelings. After every practice, game or whatever, we would have a huddle and that was where he would tear us to shreds, most of the time ending in one or multiple of the girls on the team crying. Usually, I am one of the most sensitive people in the room taking every piece of criticism very personally, but there was something different. When he would tell me something I did wrong I never felt attacked but rather I would ask him what I could do better. This was just the beginning of my relationship with him, I had to leave the team I earlier that year because my mom had to deal with health issues, Tung ( the trainer) knew about it and when I returned to the team gave me the confidence to never give up and stay strong. My dad and I at this time did not get along whatsoever so Tung became like a father to me when I returned, making sure that I had done everything I needed to before allowing me to play. I had never felt like I was the best player in soccer but talking to Tung made that not even pop into my mind. Tung always reminded me that tomorrows aren’t a given and I needed to be a leader in my life on and off the field. It was never a secret that Tung was struggling in his health himself, but the way he motivated people and did what he wanted was truly inspiring. My senior year of high school I had come home and my mom was already there, and she sat me down to tell me the news but I didn’t process it and went numb. A few days later I finally cried and didn’t stop for a few weeks. The last thing I heard from him was that I was going to make it, he said not just in soccer but in life, I had something he hadn’t seen since himself and that was determination and ambition like no other. He also said I was like the daughter he never had.

3. Graduating college was one of my biggest accomplishments up to date. Radford has given me so many opportunities and I can’t imagine where (or who) I would be without it. I am not going to write too much on this because I will write a separate post on graduation.

4. Again I will not write a whole lot right now regarding moving back home because it will be included in another post about graduation. What I will say is that being the girl who had a plan for everything and entering a new phase and not having a plan has turned out to be my downfall.

I am not going to end this post by saying that I am fine now and everything is great but rather that I am glad I can finally talk about what’s going on and I will hopefully be getting better every day.

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